Greetings All from a hopeless insomniac…

Well, I admit I have been remiss in keeping up to date with this blog.  I don’t know how many people read my ramblings to begin with, but after many months, I feel compelled to write with my latest thoughts on independent film, producing, writing and, well, life – since it all seems to bleed together.

I wrote CWL during a bout of insomnia – something I’ve struggled with for years. In my artistic, alcoholic mind, I have always prided myself on my ability to “really get things done” while most others sleep and the uncanny clarity (or insanity) that make me able to articulate the wayward nature of the human condition when my fingers set to typing during the wee hours. To be blunt, this is a load of crock. Sleep deprivation is not a conduit to artistic expression, still it’s a tell-tale sign of a restless disposition and the fact that something very real is wrong.  Some change is in order and it’s keeping us from the serenity we crave when we rest our weary heads upon pillows.

Such is the case now as I write to you. As usual, my cat – the inspiration for “Lucifer” – is watching me as he struggles to sleep on my fax machine. Oh if animals could speak…

So, what, you may ask, if keeping me up again?? My clock is ticking, and no, not the biological one (although I am pretty sure it should be) but no, it’s the clock that signifies all the time I feel I lost to alcoholism that I am trying to make up for. I spent so much of my twenties feeling lost and purposeless.  My answer was to self-medicate and to dream of what things would be like if I had purpose. Now I have my compass, and it points north but I am late on my arrival. I want so much to make films and to be respected for my work in them.  As an actress I am way behind, and it’s tough at this stage in my life to get in – to see the right people and convince them to give me a chance to do what I know I am capable of.  Which is why I write. I write because I have stories to tell and I will make movie after movie if that is what it takes to show people that I am someone to take seriously.  

I offer these musings to the writer, and those who can relate to lost time, the ticking clock of moments already past, the fickle tide of today’s entertainment industry, addict/alcoholic tendencies and a yearning desire to make something more out of one’s life. 

I can’t sleep. And when I asked my ceiling “why not” I got an answer… A little voice said simply “Because you need to write.” We are currently in pre-production for my new film, and I am on the marketing/promotional side of my last. Lord know producing a film will exhaust every intellectual, creative and physical  faculty  one possesses, but my purpose is to write. I have found my calling in that. And I have strayed. Restlessness and sleep-deprivation are symptoms of suppressing instincts and emotions that need to  be experienced. And when we fail to give them credence in the daylight, they will haunt us in the twilight. But writing is the key to unlocking it all and creating something beautiful from the madness.

“Write. You need to write” said the ….

So, I’ve heard in said that one can be in post-production indefinately. Indeed, many films are. I have several on my imdb that have been in “post production” for YEARS! My own experience as of late has me wondering about this: Is a prolonged post period due to a project floundering? Or due to the incessant nagging of one’s own perfectionism – daring just one last tweak, one final amendment to the finished product to make it even better? We all want to make our creative endeavors a success. We all want high regard and respect for our tireless efforts. So, it’s no wonder that when we say “It’s done” there is an itch to go back for one more look. I have the itch, and I hate myself for it. I swore at the start of this venture that I wasn’t going to be one of “those” people – the actors who plead for one more take because they didn’t “feel it” that time; the film-makers who will tweak a scene to death, adding a filter to change the look of a five second scene and then changing their minds and taking it off, only to find that now they miss the filter.  It’s chaos of the creative intellect and a sure-fire sign to “let it go!”  And yet, we find ourselves going back for one, last look.

I am not suggesting that, if an issue truly needs fixing, one ignores their instincts to make a change (even if the word “COMPLETE” has been uttered out loud) but slipping into a type of POST PRODUCTION REMORSE is dangerous territory. So, how do you evaluate whether making post post changes is valid or simply, indulgent?

Anyone . . . ?

I am asking because I don’t know!

But maybe THAT is the answer. If you can’t articulate specifically why something needs to be changed, chances are, it doesn’t.  And the urge to fix something, is merely a defence mechanism in an effort to cope with a fear of failure. Because once something is done and put out there for all to see as a finished work of art, the door is held wide open for others to judge it accordingly. No more excuses, or time . . . And that’s scary!

Be brave! (I tell myself) “It’s done, except . . .” is invalid. I think I just needed to write it down for you all to read in order to come to this conclusion. The nagging might continue, but I will need to take up yoga or meditation to channel it.

Moving on to other thoughts racing through my noisy brain . . .

Who knew Post-Post Production could be SO EXPENSIVE! Ha!  I thought that when we began submitting to festivals, the costly part was over. Of course, I planned for the submission fees and such, but had not really considered the expenses of conversions. “How naive! “many of you are, I’m sure, crying out! “Of course!” I reply. It’s my first time doing this. Here is what I am learning – anyone who does know this already, please skip ahead!

We shot in HD, and then made a DVD master. Looks great! Only, MANY of the festivals we are submitting to do not accept DVD for their exhibition format. Which means that, if accepted, we need to convert to a different format. And there are more than several out there to choose from. What I have found in my research is that most of the festivals accept Digibeta across the board. In fact I don’t think I have come across one that doesn’t. Digibeta is not the highest quality format (although it is certainly higher than DVD) but will not break the bank and is again, widely accepted. You will need to take your Uncompressed, Stand alone Quicktime file (preferably from your hard drive as the file is usually too large for a disc and would have to be separated then re-assembled) and get a digibeta master done. You will pay for the tape stock and the conversion fee. There is a HUGE range of prices from Post House to Post House, so get figures from at least 5 facilities.  Now, other acceptable formats of higher quality include HDCAM, miniDV, SRCAM, and of course, 16 or 35mm Film  (there are more, but these are the top choices) Film will always be accepted (but the cost is exorbitant) The others are widely accepted, but less so as compared with Digibeta. Just something for you all to think about as you are planning budgets and scheduling timelines.

Once you’ve paid for a master Digibeta (for example) I recommend you keep the master (rather than sending it off to the festival) and making a clone of it. You will send the clone to the festival, and everytime you need a conversion (which will be a lot) you can have another clone made from your master. This saves you money so you will not be paying for the initial conversion and set-up each time.

I wish you speed in your journey and hope I imparted a little wisdom in this lengthy entry. It helps me to put it all down, so thank you! I wish you a blissful night’s sleep . . .

How can I adequately put into the words what I am feeling right now???  I’m not sure I can, but you all know me! I will try!

The film is finished!  Hallelujah!! The past two weeks have been a nothing shy of a whirlwind, TRULY. About 13 days ago the film was at about 75% complete.  The structure (edits, sequence and such) was in tact, but the film still needed color correction, sound design, music (we had a temp score in, but needed to replace several songs we could not obtain rights to) and credits. So . . . A LOT of work still to go! What’s more, Blake was offered a job in Nigeria (a wonderful opportunity for him) and was scheduled to leave at the end of the month. This added a sense of urgency to our already tight workdays. Then, I got a call from my Associate Producer, Gordon Vasquez. He had been asked to handle the media for the International Short Film, Music and Arts Festival in Long Beach. Though the festival entries had already been decided and scheduled, the program director permitted us to screen our film during Saturday evening’s showcase! What a scramble that Friday was. Cody worked through the day, tweaking shots, smoothing out sound issues, and adding as many credits as time would allow. At midnight, Friday, I drove to Beverly Hills to make the hand-off to Gordon, who in turn took the DVD to Hotel Maya in Long Beach at 2am Saturday morning.

We had our first ever screening of Conversations With Lucifer that night. Hands clasped together so tightly my fingers lost all feeling and knuckles appeared white as bone, Cody, Kerry, Gordon and myself watched as our film was projected on the big screen. We relaxed a bit as laughs were heard throughout the audience in all the right places, and sniffles came during the climax. To say the experience was surreal is an understatement. It was the after party, when people began to comment on the film and offer their congratulations, that it became real. We pulled it off. Even at 75% complete, we pulled it off!

Something about that night stirred the flame of desire within us.  The desire to go further, to make it better, and of course, to finish the darn thing! Seeing and hearing it’s potential to be better than good, to be great, made us all want to work harder. Cody set up camp in the editing lab, and I went back to sleepless nights, filled with visions and voices and music. And it’s all been worth it. We focused our pooled energy on sound design and came up with an intricately detailed audio design scheme that let’s us into Darby’s world in a more intimate way. It was tricky to be sure, but I am constantly amazed at the endless resourcefulness of the creative mind.

I just returned home from my last session with Cody and am overwhelmed with excitement. I think, this might be the best night of my life so far. We had no audience – it was just myself and Cody in the lab. We watched it from start to finish. It’s done! We finished Conversations With Lucifer, and I couldn’t be prouder!

It’s 3:30 in the morning, and I can’t sleep . . . again. It’s funny – I am reminded of the sleepless night I spent all those months ago when an idea came to me about this time of night and I sat down and wrote Conversations With Lucifer.  As artists, I believe that often, inspiration comes in manic episodes when we are most most depleted, most vulnerable and somewhat desperate to be heard. For me, they often come during a sleepless night. Ironically so, since the need to “be heard” comes at such a lonely hour, when no one is awake to listen. But perhaps this makes sense, since we spend our days trying so hard to be strong, that we fear the consequences of any other human being hearing what we are so desperate to express: that we are afraid. The words I whispered all those months ago, in the company of my cat, were “I’m scared, God. I am scared I won’t ever do anything extraordinary. I’m scared I won’t ever feel heard.”

Sounds dramatic, I know, but we are, aren’t we? At 3:30 in the morning, exhausted as hell, with thoughts of never telling the guy who dumped me in 8th grade where exactly he could go, and the time I came in second at the pageant Senior year in high school, and the time I drank alone in my cabin after overhearing one of my cast members tell someone that I just try too hard . . . we are dramatic. And it’s one of the most beautiful, honest, and entertaining parts about us – as artists certainly – and, most importantly, as human beings. We have feelings we want to share; stories we need to share.

So I wrote that night. I wrote through the night and morning. And then I slept. And then there was a plan – to use pictures to tell my story. And I felt heard.

Now, all these months later, I have a movie, and what’s more, I have a cause. The project that began as a short film has evolved into so much more. Because of it’s message of recovery and the people who gravitated toward it for that reason, I decided to make an album of recovery music to sell at the screening. All proceeds are being donated to a local rehab. And now I have all the music and the album will be, and I am in the midst of another sleepless night.  And once, again, I am afraid. What if the album doesn’t sell? What if enough people do not attend the screening to see the film and buy the album.  What if I can’t pull it all off?

Now, I realize I give myself far too much credit – that these feelings and concerns are heavily laden with classic narcissism. Things will turn out exactly as they are meant to. I share this with you because it’s true, and because of my greater fear – the one I gave a voice to all those months ago – I have a story to tell. I need to be heard and I am afraid that I will never do anything extraordinary.  

So we will finish the film. And I will screen it as many places as I can. And I will sell the album at the premiere screening and make a donation to the Van Ness Center. And the extraordinary part will not be the amount of people there, or dollars donated, or awards garnered. It will be the action. It will be the completion. It will be sticking to what I proclaim I will do.

I had lunch today with a friend who I do not know very well. He is a fellow film-maker and music producer.  He is not well-known or decorated, but he finishes everything he takes on. He is fearless and steadfast, and for all the reservations bubbling beneath the surface , he carries on and does what others make platitudes about doing. That is courage – that is extraordinary. And, that, makes all the difference . . .

Happy Friday Everyone!

It’s been a little while since I have come through with an update, but rest assured, Cody, Blake and myself have been busy as bees working on CWL in post! In fact, last night we all met with producing partner, Kerry Finlayson, to watch the most recent edit. We are close to being picture-locked and had an intense 3 hour work session making final adjustments to the scene sequence, going through alternate takes of the last remaining ?? shots, and discussing the issue that has slowly been making it’s way to the forefront of everybody’s mind: How should it end??

Let me preface . . .

So the really interesting thing that I have learned in post-production, is that once a rough cut is complete, it is a WHOLE NEW BALLGAME. Every single, original intent that I had; every idea, plan, notion I held steadfast in my head all those months ago needs to be checked at the door. All that remains are the facts and the facts are these:  The footage I have is a manifestation concocted by light through a lens aimed an actor’s interpretation and delivery of words on a page. It is a mirror of my intent. A mirror that, it bears mentioning, is also non-returnable and got knocked around a bit during shipping. So, that being said, at the beginning of post, this fixed footage tells the story and that story appears different than the one in my mind. The viewer bares witness to strengths and weaknesses that couldn’t possibly be forseen all those months ago. Our task now is to take those strengths and capitolize on them, and minimize the impact left by the weaker elements. There is no room for buyer’s remorse. It is what it is. Which brings me to my point . . .

The incredible thing – once tears have been shed for the “that’s not how it looked in my head” and “why didn’t we get that reverse shot when it would work better than the over-the-shoulder”  arguments -is that you get to tell a new story. And your footage is the foundation of it all. With the ingenuity of editing, sound design, color-correction and music, that footage begins to take on a new light and sparkle. And sometimes, you hit gold with a cinematic moment that will be your story’s anchor. This is what has happened in the weeks leading up to last night. We’ve found a moment with such power that it changes the ending of the film. This is something I wasn’t prepared for, and am in a quandry as to what to do. As you all know – this film is about recovery. Specifically, one woman’s recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. It’s also the story of how this woman confronts the dysfunction of her family and makes ammends, and in doing so, finds serenity.  The message will stay the same with either ending, but how great of an impact it makes depends heavily on the resolution.  And if we change the ending, we might need to take another look at all that comes before.

I’m not concerned. I know that the film itself is leading me, and that ultimately, there won’t even be a choice. But it is amazing to see the evolution of this project. And it’s exciting to see the changes in me as I evolve with it - Letting go of pre-conceived ideas and rules, and opening up to the suprises and unexpected moments of clarity and wisdom – It bleeds over into every thing I do. I get to decide which story I want to tell every day, and I get to choose how I want to tell it. And when my “plans” go awry and things look so different than the way I envisioned them, I can smile because I know it’s just a matter of time before I hit gold with a moment that will change my ending. . .

Hey All!

Well, I had an AMAZING experience today that I simply had to write down and share with you.  Life is so surprising sometimes, and the old addage that God works in mysterious ways certainly rings true as I reflect on the last few hours.

In an effort to be rigorously honest, and at risk of embarassing myself with this admission, I will tell you that I’ve been a bit of an emotional yo-yo lately. The film that began as a passion project has become much more like a life-line to me. And it’s hard to separate the cinematic result of my work and my very heart and soul. Furthermore, though I strive to keep my ego in check, I find myself seeking validation and re-assurance that people are taking an interest in the film’s progress and the message I am trying to convey. Sometimes I wonder am I making too much of this? It is, after all, just a short film, not Greenpeace, right? Perhaps it just feels bigger in my head . . .

Please don’t misunderstand – this isn’t a plea for posted comments (although they are MORE than welcome!) it’s only a confession to provide context for what happened tonight.

As I have previously informed you all, I am in the process of making an album to be sold on the web site and at screenings once the film is complete. The album will feature 12 songs focused on the message of recovery and the struggle with addiction. All proceeds will be donated to a local rehab center in Los Angeles which recently lost a great deal of government funding. So my days, as of late, have been spent seeking out those 12 special songs. I have no experience in putting an album together and am sort of learning as I go – in much the same manner as when I decided to make a movie. And what I find myself doing is asking a lot of people for a lot of favors . . . AGAIN. Asking for help can leave one feeling emotionally and even physically depleted, and is not my favorite thing in the world!

I was feeling this way today, plagued by all those insecurities I mentioned earlier, when I got a phone call from a friend of a friend back East who just took his 90 day chip. He has been writing for years in poetry form and has a passion for music. Now he is on the road to recovery and heard about CWL and the album. He wrote an original song and made a rough recording and sent me the track several weeks ago. I was in awe of the power his lyrics held and the hope behind each carefully chosen word. In the weeks since, he has found the inspiration and the courage to take his music to the next level. He has re-recorded the song in a professional studio with their own record label and began collaborating with the studio head who put him in touch with another artist in recovery. I received the new track a few days ago and was rendered speechless. The song is a poignant story of survival and a celebration of recovery. I am overwhelmed with gratitude at his contribution to my effort.

Ironically enough, the phone call I received today, was to thank me for giving him something to be passionate about and stay sober for.  He referenced the six degrees of separation and how I started something all those months ago that would touch his life in a profound way and I didn’t even know it. I wrote a film, and because of the film, there will be an album; and because of the album, my friend contacted him about writing a song; and because he wrote a song, he recorded it at a studio and the head of that studio put him in touch with another artist; and the track they laid down together is a musical collaboration that now is rep’d by a label.

Amazing. What a gift. I have made a difference. There is an impact being made. And tonight, one man may as well be a thousand . . .

Happy New Year Everyone!

The topic for today’s blog seems to fit in perfectly with this time of year! As one year closes and another commences, there is a natural inclination to review the previous year and reflect on all the successes and shortcomings we endured. And then come the resolutions - to do better, or just do it right this year. With the next twelve months spread out before us like a blank canvas, we are the Michaelangelo’s of our own life; brush poised and ready to make a stroke of genius which will defy our greatest expectations. No pressure, of course, right???

This is what we do as human beings. We strive to be masters of our creativity and productivity, and if we fall short or lose our perspective, we take it personally. So, now is the time, more than ever, to take a step back and remind ourselves that the only thing constant is change. And that while it’s wonderful to have plans, sometimes, we need to have the willingness to thrown those plans out the window. 

I wrote a script. Then I rewrote that script and sent it to collegues for notes. Finally, I revised it into a tight, polished story that reads beautifully on paper. Then we shot the script, and now I have a movie. We edited and tweaked and have begun to fill with sound design and a temporary score. And now I have what is close to being a complete film adhering to 90% of the original vision as defined in the script.  Only, it’s not a script anymore. It’s a living thing, that’s changing and growing and I find that I need to grow with it.

Sometimes we become so attached to our material that it’s hard to think of it in any other way. As we are in the midst of our 3rd rough cut of CWL, I am experiencing a little separation anxiety from what I played and replayed in my head at the computer all those moths ago. But I am learning to relinquish my white-knuckle hold on the reigns and allowing my team to offer their fresh perspective on this project. And it’s working.

I heard it said once by a film maker on a panel at the L.A. Shortsfest that POST is the fun stuff – that you get to experiment, and mix and match scenes and shots, and, basically, play. As a student of theatre, where the actors follow a pre-determined arch every night, cutting up the “flow” of the script makes me nervous. But again, PERSPECTIVE.  It’s a film that will be viewed, and may need to be re-sequenced in order to translate on screen; or enhanced with an image taken from a reaction in between takes for that matter. And I agree now – it is fun and exciting. And the film in my head is transforming into something I could not have forseen. And that is thrilling to watch.

So, to conclude this entry, I will offer my own New Year’s resolution for 2010 . . . 

To take the first step and then go with the flow; to be open and gentle with myself as I push and pull (as we do) and know that more will be revealed have I only the courage to be patient and watch my blank canvas fill with the colors of life . . .

Greetings All!

Sorry I’ve been remiss in writing! A lot has been going on that has pulled my attention away from bringing you the latest update on Conversations With Lucifer. My life has been a bit hectic as of late – I have to have surgery on Friday and the month of December thusfar has been filled with doctor’s appointments, endless conversations with insurance people, and trying to sort everything out so I won’t stress while in recovery. Rest assured, this little hitch in my health will slow things down with progress on the film ONLY SLIGHTLY, and I will be back in January, fit as a fiddle and ready to get our movie out there for all to see and enjoy!

So, now onto the topic of this particular blog. As many of you know who have followed all the updates on our web sites and facebook entries, Privacy Premium was one of our AMAZING sponsors and was so generous in donating the jeans worn in the film. The remarkable thing about this clothing company (besides the killer denim-wear) is that they have an incredible outreach program and give a sizeable percentage of profits to breast cancer research. I was honored to be invited to an event they hosted last night to launch the new book “Lives Inspired – Portraits of Breast Cancer Survivors” and the United We Cure CD.

I can’t tell you what an amazing feeling it is to be a part of something so much bigger than ourselves. Hearing these women speak; listening to music in celebration of what they have overcome; toasting the lives they continue to lead; and knowing that this company has helped make it all possible – was so INSPIRING to me. My company, Mad About Pictures, is brand new, and Conversations With Lucifer, is the first film under it’s banner. But I am striving to set a precedent with it’s message. It’s a story of recovery and survival – courage and perserverance. I am so excited to make my contribution to a cause that I believe in through the films we produce.

So, a well deserved shout-out to Privacy Premium – for making your mark on fashion and paying it forward in the process! I emulate you and will strive to make Mad About Pictures the type of company that will follow in your savvy, high-heeled footsteps!

As this was my first experience behind the scenes of the movie-making business, I had no idea what it would actually be like to watch the footage from the shoot. I was nervous, to say the least, walking into the editing room last Wednesday. Did we get everything we need? Will there be inconsistensies in continuity? What if the performances didn’t translate? When Cody placed the ear phones on my head and Blake hit “play” my stomach did a somersault. And there it was – shot by shot, scene by scene, all laid out in front of me. So how’d we do???

In my absolutely biased opinion – AWESOME! Now, let me preface by saying that the first time watching the first half of the rough cut was incredibly surreal. It took me another viewing to process it all. I mean, I wrote every word, every motion, with intent and deliberation. And then I rewrote. I must have read each line aloud a thousand times before the shoot, so seeing it come to life, for better or worse, was a bit disarming.

And, I am coming to realize, that “disarmed” is the perfect state to be in as we proceed through post. Because the script I wrote has evolved into a completely different entity. It’s a story told in pictures no longer in my head, but very real and preserved on screen. And “disarmed” I can approach this new film with fresh eyes. We began to play – Cody, Barry and I. Sorting through the various takes, inserting one shot and replacing another, tightening the pace by cutting away, etc. What a marvelous thing – post production! It’s like taking the film to Wonderland and sprinkling it with pixie dust. And in the end, I believe we will create something magical ~

The key to a great film is a great story. To film the great story you put together an equally great team. Once you have a strong team in place you know you can breath a little easier as they will take the film to the place it is supposed to be and do it the justice it deserves on the screen. It is my job to ensure we get everything we need on time and on budget and to the standard where our film will be available for audiences to see at festivals, on DVD or even in the cinemas. Working on ‘Conversations with Lucifer’ was fun for me as a Producer, as I got to still be creative on the film. Often on some projects you come in and watch from the sidelines, but on this I got to muck in and help in various different roles. In a sense I got my hands ‘dirty.’ We all worked together to pull out a project that meant something to each of us. And I feel we succeeded.

I was asked to cite some specific bullet points as a reference for anyone considering producing a film. There is a lot of advice I can offer, but keeping to the condensed format, here are 5 basics:

1) find a GOOD script
2) approach investors
3) build your TEAM – Hire UPM; break down script and budget
4) See that the production runs on time and on budget
5) take the finished product and ensure it is seen in the RIGHT  places to get it the best exposure.

Filmmaking is a way for someone to tell a story visually and I always say to new filmmakers, get out there and experiment. Create a two minute, five minute or even an hour long piece and practice what it is like to make a film.  I am always learning on the job and every role or project I take on, I make sure that it is something I feel will have a place in the industry, a message to teach or even something that will make an audience forget about their lives for a moment.